Round 2

Wow, I never expected the reaction that my first blog garnered so thank you to everyone for the kind words and encouragement.

After my compulsion to write and to get it out there – compulsion in a literal sense, the whole thing from the thought ‘I’m going to start writing my blog’ entering my head on Wednesday, to throwing myself out there for the world to see (well, my Facebook friends anyway, a slightly more modest demographic…) was within a timeframe of around 30 minutes – I had pause for reflection.  I wondered whether the whole thing was a bit, well, trite and seemingly self-pitying, given the huge troubles that we see in the world and in the lives of others on a daily basis.  But I guess all we can be in our lives is ourselves, and we have to follow our own instincts.  For some reason mine told me that I had to do this.  Not that I should, or that I might want to, but that I had to.

I said before that I have had a tendency to overthink, a trait that provoked me to buy my favourite ornament (a very masculine phrase that one…) for my new home, a bronze mini sculptor of Rodin’s ‘The Thinker’.  Well recently I have decided to go with my instincts far more; when I look back over my life they have served me pretty well and certainly haven’t caused me the problems that over-thinking have.  So I guess I will see where this approach takes me, at the very least it will broaden my experiences and help me to view life from a different perspective.

So my instincts have lead me here, typing away in one of my favourite places in the world, the Sandside Cafe in Sandsend.  I said at the outset that the purpose of this was to help me to deal with the fallout from divorce and subsequent dating, and to hopefully help others by my experiences.  The most satisfying aspect of this new venture is that even if I never write another word I will have achieved my goal.  In particular one message that I received stands out, telling me that the blog had helped them to see some light in their own present challenging situation.  For me, knowing that I have made a connection, that somehow, someway, something that I have said or done has made someone else’s life brighter, even if only fleetingly, is a special thing.

I’m still finding things tough right now, but despite the dark demon D lurking in the back of my mind, I know that I can say ‘right now’ with confidence, knowing that bad times will pass.  As more enlightened people than I have said, the important thing is to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.  I’d like to think that’s something I am trying to do, and life will look a whole lot brighter as the shades lift and let in more of the light that is always out there, even as Storm Desmond (Desmond, really?!?!?) does its worst.

Yesterday would have been my tenth anniversary.  One of the family cats, part of the family that I lost, has died this week.  My first Christmas alone looms.  Without consciously dwelling on these things I guess they must be doing their work at some level; you get on, you don’t think about it and then something happens that triggers the whole lot to erupt to the surface.  And then you have to roll with the punches and deal with it.

It can be hard to know when life’s left hook will knock you down.  I’d been great recently, learning to live alone for the first time in my life (hell, I’ve never even had my own bedroom in my life, let alone my own house!) and adjusting to my longest spell of being single since I was 18 (which makes me sound like some sort of ladies’ man, I don’t think I need to spell out here that this is far from the case and future blogs will remove any lingering doubts I’m sure…).

This week something happened that seems to have been a catalyst for… something.  For something to shift inside, which hard-earned experience has told me means that there are things that I need to learn, different things that I need to do to move forward.

So here I am.  And as a very good friend said to me this week, ‘You know the drill.’

Soundtrack: Float On – Modest Mouse

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